The Emotional Collapse

What is it that makes people tick, what series of events could take place so that a person is literally pushed to brink? What is the brink, what does it look like how do we know we are there and is it possible to return if we do get too close? Scary questions indeed and hopefully something none of us will experience……..but what if we witness it, do we step in as a savior or simply recoil in horror. Welcome to Jeanette……..

Jeanette, was a great girl, pretty, humorous and all round easy to be around, a little young, but hey what’s wrong with being “The Older Man” for a change. We met for coffee, met for dinner and things were progressing well as we headed into a 3rd date to see the band Rain. For those of you unfamiliar, Rain are a tribute band, a Beatles tribute band and a very good one at that. The Hummingbird Centre had been taken over by Beatle mania and the concert was enjoyed by the old (myself) and the young (Jeanette) alike. People were dancing and singing and we left the concert on an emotional high. It was a beautiful evening and she graciously accepted my invitation to walk her back to her waterfront apartment.

The stars and the moon were out, a romantic mood had been set and as we walked on the Harbourfront the pivotal early relationship moment had arrived it was time for the first kiss.

First kisses are traditionally awkward but this one………this one was…….hmmm…..how should I put this “disappointing”. I’m not sure why but there was no spark, no warm glow, no sense of excitement……….and I walked home to wonder if there was any possible recovery from this most deflating of situations. I called her the next day and she appeared upbeat and cheerful on the phone, maybe she did not share my view of how the previous evening had concluded or if so she masked her emotions like a poker player. We arranged to meet again and wanting to try and rekindle the spark I suggested a relatively upbeat movie it was time to “Walk the Line”.

We sat there like statues, no romance, no spark, no hint of physical contact and whilst we had already arranged to go for dinner I was no longer sure this was the prudent activity to undertake. In the restaurant we sat face to face but I was looking into an abyss, why was I here, how could I regain the spark we once shared.
I spoke and I ate and I spoke some more but there was nothing but emptiness I desperately needed a lifeline and Jeanette was more than happy to throw it.

We haven’t really talked about our kiss she enquired………too right I was thinking, but she pressed some more…….did you enjoy it? I knew we were about to reach a “truth hurts” moment but continued regardless “it was fine”………”fine” she replied waiting for me to expand on my sentiment………”Yeah it was fine but there was no real passion”.

The nightmare scenario had arrived; I had made a girl cry. But this was not merely a moistening of the eyes, oh no…….it was a full on torrent…….real dripping tears each one making a splash as it’s fall was broken by the table. The whole restaurant was now focused on us, but what should I do, should I be comforting or should I leave it be and simply watch the drama unfold……..whilst I was concerned for Jeanette my immediate predicament was how would I get home should she chose to abandon me.

I chose the former option and reached my hand across to her shoulder………..”Don’t touch me she screamed……we’re leaving”……and she made a bolt for the door. I quickly threw down some money for the bill and followed her to the car hoping and praying I would still receive my lift home.

Whilst I probably didn’t deserve it I was allowed into the car and was driven at Michael Schumacher type speed to the subway, relieved to have made it given the clearly emotional state of the driver I turned to say thank you but even before the first syllable had made it from my lips the scream of “Get Out, Get Out, Get Out” was headed in my direction. I heeded the advice, and left the car never to see Jeanette again.

At this point I assumed a logical conclusion had been reached but a couple of days later I received a call from her mother, who told me her daughter had a “condition” and apologized on her behalf. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach……….Why hadn’t I cared more, why hadn’t I chosen my words more carefully……Why had the victim felt the need to apologize to me.

Nobody knows when a person needs to truly reach out for help, but I hope if I identify it in the future it I will step up and do the right thing. I have been close to “the brink” myself in the past but have had the good fortune of having friends and family to pick me up, brush me down and send me on my way. As with most of these anecdotes I am unsure as to what happened to Jeanette but hopefully she too was able to find people to pick her up, brush her down and is now well on her way.

The quest continues……………

Getting out of the Trough – The Dinner Party

Is it possible for eight complete strangers of wildly diverse backgrounds to come together on a single evening and be expected to instantly connect when the only common thread between them is the first digit of their age…….I had been in a trough for a couple of weeks the whole Ella incident (See the Smokin(g) Asian) had left me emotionally drained and I needed to snap out of it…….it had been almost 3 years since I last attended a singles dinner party and I went into this one with a single goal in mind, to have a good time.

Welcome to Claire, Alison, Eva, Melinda, Jane, James, Peter, Stewart and Brett

I arrived at the restaurant slightly rushed, my meetings at work had over run and given the environment I was stepping into I was understandably a little anxious. To further deepen this anxiety the person at the door appeared to have neither any idea as to who I was or the event I was attending and this was merely a prelude of things to come. As it turned out I was one of the last to arrive and the rest of my friends for the evening were already chatting by the bar.

The host introduced everyone and led us to our table…..this in itself seemed strange a rectangle, not a square, not a circle but a rectangle realizing how difficult it would be to communicate with everyone I immediately headed for the seat in the middle and this proved to be an inspired choice. After the initial small talk had passed I became engrossed in the conversation with the people around me with the only negative being it soon became apparent that not only were Claire and I sharing dinner we also shared a common workplace. For some unknown reason I held this against her and chose to focus on Bret, Alison and Eva instead, whilst we waited and waited and then waited some more for our food to arrive we covered a whole a variety of topics and the conversation flowed easily from one segment to the next.

But little did I know I was heading towards a trap, I have no idea how I got drawn into it but soon I was snared as the conversation drifted onto stag parties in Amsterdam…..maybe it’s the geographical distance from North America that makes it difficult to comprehend that the British both men and women routinely use this destination for stag and hen parties respectively.

Regardless it was now too late and everyone now assumed I was some kind of drug taking, prostitute seeking sleazebag and the Amsterdam story was being used as a stick to beat me with.

I desperately looked for an out and spotted it at the far end of the table where the conversation appeared to be far less controversial, whilst I was disappointed to be moving on in the two hours that had passed I had already made a pretty strong judgment as to the person I would like to meet again.

And so I switched seats and the first question I was asked was in respect of my accent, I receive this question quite often and have been told by many people that an English accent is charming, this would be great assuming my accent was still English………South African, Australian and Kiwi were all thrown into the mix, maybe I have lived in a multi cultural society for too long and am now simply the man with no defined accent.

I chat with Peter and Melinda for about half an hour and whilst they are both interesting people it becomes clear that I have far less in common with them than I have with rest of the group……..I am not sure if I said something to offend them but it is noticeable that they choose to leave the event pretty much immediately after I have spoken to them.

I return to my original seat expecting to pick up where I had left off, but something is missing the conversation is no longer the same, I feel like a fish out of water and suddenly fatigue begins to set in and it becomes clear that I am regressing as the evening wears on. I look at my watch and it is close to midnight, where did the last 5 hours go….I have no idea but I have succeeded in my stated goal of having a good time.

The group begins to break and whilst I am not a really a bar person I choose to go for a night cap with Brett, Claire, Melinda and Stewart. This proves to be a mistake as I am out on my feet and as the clock approaches one I become aware of both my 7am meeting and the fact I am desperately tired. I leave the bar with Brett and Melinda, whilst Claire and Stewart continue to go at it strong, I have seen some transformations in a person’s character over the years but the difference in the Stewart I leave now compared to the Stewart I meet 6 hours ago is simply staggering.

We walk Melinda to her car and then myself and Brett share the subway back to the financial district, it is good to have a one on one conversation about how the evening has gone and whilst we share a common view on the overall success of the evening we have differing views as to who we may or may not have connected with.

I arrive at my stop, say goodnight and walk the short distance to my apartment, I am exhausted yet energized at the same time and whilst I lie desperately trying to fall asleep I am unable to until eventually I drift off at around 3am. I am intrigued and look forward with interest to how this story will progress and evolve.

The quest continues………….

Jesus Loves You

I like to think of myself as a fairly open guy, an individual’s race, nationality or religion doesn’t really concern me….if anything I’m biased against my own race and nationality choosing to spend my days in the cultural melting pot of Toronto as opposed to the green pastures of England where I spent my youth.

As for religion, whilst I’m certainly not a “believer” in anything specific myself whatever an individual chooses to believe or follow they certainly won’t be judged by me as a result of it……..or so I thought. Welcome to Jen………..

A mutual friend introduced me to Jen, and following a brief phone conversation we set up a breakfast date on a Saturday morning in North York. As anyone who knows me will attest North York is certainly a little out of my usual downtown comfort zone, but I’m an early riser so at 8am I’m standing outside a North York bank waiting for Jen to arrive. A few minutes later a pretty Chinese girl approaches me and says hello, she is immaculately dressed and as we exchange pleasantries I think to myself the trip to North York has been worth it, but a couple of doubts cross my mind.

Firstly I literally tower over this girl, I’m about 6feet myself and Jen must be all of 5feet including her chunky heels…….the second thing I notice is a gold chain with small cross around her neck, looking back at how the remaining events unfolded I should have taken this as a warning sign but at the time thought nothing into it.

Given I have no real knowledge of the local neighborhood and everything around me looks to be closed I ask where we are going to eat, and much to my surprise she answers McDonalds……yes you read that correctly I going on a first date with someone to McDonalds……..dah,da,dah,da,dah…..I am so lovin it.

We enter and considering the time I am surprised by the volume of customers inside……I carefully scan the menu and attempt to select the healthiest option available…..the breakfast burrito with orange juice to drink. Jen picks up the classic Egg McMuffin and we retire to a table in the middle of restaurant. I unwrap my food and am about to take a bite when she asks me to stop, have I said something out of turn because if so I have absolutely no idea as to what it could be………something else that I had no idea was coming were the next words out of her mouth.
“We should say grace, would you like to lead it” I have a blank expression on my face, even if I did want to lead I would have no idea what to say, so politely decline and suggest that she leads instead.

I honestly have no idea as to what she said next because strange as this may seem I suddenly became fully aware that entire restaurant is now looking at us. Grace ends and I begin to eat, very quickly as it turns out, maybe my sub-conscious is screaming at me to get out, but I remain rooted to my chair entranced by the conversation and the pretty face in front of me.

The breakfast turns into a morning and before I know it we have been for a long walk in the park and visited the local library and numerous shops in the neighborhood. It has now become lunch time and due to a prior engagement in the afternoon our date will soon draw to a close……. we settle in a food court for lunch, strangely there is no grace this time around, maybe it is just a morning thing or maybe I should have just asked, either way I figure I’ll never know for sure.

I am asked what I regard as the 3 most important things in my life…….I am wanting to say the Toronto Raptors, but instead go with the classic answer of My Family, My Friends and My Health………I am pleased with my response and am expecting to get an A+ for this question but Jen has a disappointed look on her face……”What about Jesus” she asks.

I have no real answer for this question, and whilst I talk about my openness to all religions and beliefs it is clearly not what she was hoping to hear. She looks as though she is about to cry but holds back the tears to tell me about the numerous religious and church going activities she is involved in. Compared to me, the girl is a saint and after saying our goodbyes I leave feeling guilty about my lack of beliefs.

There is a line in a movie that goes “The couple that prays together stays together” and whilst I am not 100% certain that is always the case, this particular date has taught me that a shared faith or religion can certainly be a strong foundation in the building of a successful relationship. Hopefully by now Jen has built that relationship with someone of similar beliefs as from my perspective she has been filed under the category of “One of the nicest people I’ve ever met”

The quest continues…………

The Stunner

I have been blessed with many things in life, I have good health, was raised in a loving home and on only a couple of occasions has a day ended with me seeking either food or shelter…….I am more than satisfied with the hand I was dealt, although looks wise I definitely fall into the category of “Average Joe”.

Whilst we are taught that compatibility and a common bond are what we should seek in a relationship, more often than not a “couple” is typically made up of two people of relatively equal looks. This is not a criticism, more an observation of modern day society today. But what would it be like to date a truly beautiful woman would the reality of the situation match up to fantasy established in one’s mind. Welcome to Carolyn……..

The agency calls, “We have another great introduction for you Paul, Carolyn 32 years old, marketing executive, she’s an all round great girl and the consultant who met with her described her as stunningly attractive”

I have met people described as stunning before, so I am naturally apprehensive, if the description is true she will be “out of my league” if false you are naturally disappointed. It is a no win situation……but foolishly I agree to it anyway.

I make the call, but am convinced I have dialed the wrong number…….the energizer bunny has picked up the phone, after 5 minutes I have barely said a world but am completely engaged in what Carolyn has to say. She has a natural charisma that draws a person in, and it comes as no surprise that she has been successful in every venture she has undertaken. She apologizes for hogging the conversation and starts to ask probing and informative questions, she has made me feel completely at ease and whilst I answer as best I can it is clear we are at completely different intellectual levels. We agree to meet for dinner in a couple days……..I am nervous, I am anxious, I am about to be eaten alive.

I arrive at the restaurant a few minutes early and sit on a bench outside, there is a second guy also waiting for someone by the door but I think nothing of it and continue to wait. Right on time an absolute vision walks down the street, 6ft tall, long blonde hair the girl has stepped right off the cover of Vogue and onto the sidewalk of Bloor Street. There is no way this can be her………….she approaches the guy by the door and asks “Are you Paul” he wittily responds “No, but I sure wish I was” she smiles and heads into the restaurant. I follow her in, introduce myself and much to my surprise she greets me with a big smile and a warm embrace.

We sit at a table illuminated by candle light, and for the first time I get a close up view of her face……..my jaw drops to the ground and I have no idea why this women has needed the services of an introduction agency. I am literally unable to speak but fortunately the energizer bunny from the phone has returned, she senses my unease and skillfully engages me in conversation…….the conversation flows and we make it the through a thoroughly entertaining 2.5hr dinner………..my confidence has grown dramatically as the evening progresses and I no longer feel like a deer trapped in the headlights, I reach for the bill and she insists on paying for half. Whilst it is clear we will not be meeting again, she thanks me for the evening and leaves me with an embrace as equally warm as when we first met.

On the journey home, I think about the whole experience……and conclude that I am not suited for dating the “stunning beautiful women”. I am glad to have experienced it once but from this point forward will tend to seek out women who I feel are more at my own level of physical attractiveness.

It will take quite a guy to handle a women like Carolyn, simply stated she has the entire package, Looks, Career and an engaging personality……I am certainly not the guy who even comes close to matching up to her, but hopefully she’ll find him soon.

The quest continues……….

The Smokin(g) Asian

What is it that causes attraction, what are the words a person can say so that you become emotionally attached prior to even meeting.

Attracted to someone based on phone conversations only, surely not…………I’m a guy after all, growing up my father taught me to find myself a pretty girl who cares if she has nothing of interest or consequence to say. Welcome to Ella………

Ella the perfect girl or so I thought…………and so the story begins. “We have a great introduction for you Paul…….Ella, 30 years old, good job, healthy lifestyle, main interest basketball”. Basketball…….main interest Basketball, I am immediately in love and ask for the phone number.

And so the call is made, first conversation nerves I don’t think so, awkward silence nope there’s none of that either, I look down at my watch and two hours have now passed, who is this girl what piece of heaven has she descended from, why am I falling for this girl. Snap out of it I say, and don’t build your hopes at least until yet get to know her a little more.

There’s a second conversation, and then a third and the hours we spend on the phone fly by like minutes……she has a knowledge of the NBA like no women I’ve ever met, but what has happened to me a transformation has taken place I have gone from being singular and guarded to becoming “emotionally attached”.

That’s a mistake! Why you cry, because this little anecdote has taught me the more attached you become the more disappointing things will inevitably turn out.

And so the “date” takes place and make no mistake Ella is quite the looker, but something is wrong, everything has gone up in smoke in literally…….the chemistry, the ease of conversation, the laughter, the shared interests everything appears to have evaporated, we shuffle uncomfortably in our seats and stumble through our meals and one hour’s worth of forced conversation. I pay the bill and we leave and almost immediately upon leaving the restaurant she “lights up” we say our goodbyes and I start to ponder what might have been……….how can something so great have crumbled so quickly.

Hopefully Ella will find her Prince Charming, based on the little I know of her she appears to genuinely deserve it………….I am disappointed but not bitter.

I have had “dates” not work out before and usually I recover quickly, but this is different this one stings and the reason why…………because I’d become emotionally attached to a person I’d never met.

An important life lesson learned I say………..the quest continues.

The Accused

Have you ever been accused of a crime you did not commit, how would you feel if though no fault of your own you are suddenly backed into a corner and forced to defend yourself.

We are lucky to live in a Westernized society where a person is entitled to a fair hearing and trial before judgment is passed……but what if I hadn’t been so lucky, what if the events described below had taken place in a country with less lenient human rights laws. Welcome to Suzanne………..

Everything started well with Suzanne we chatted with ease on the phone, shared common interests, and were even members of the same chain of sports clubs. Unsurprisingly at our first official date there was certainly chemistry between us and we quickly arranged a second for dinner and a movie things appeared to be going well and I had no reason to suspect otherwise. She was witty, intelligent and after walking her back to her car we briefly kissed each other on the cheek and I left with a warm glow of the possibilities that the future may bring.

There was nothing to suggest how things would turn out and the only quirk I had discovered in her personality was the speed at which should put on her gloves. I am not sure what burned that image into my mind, but the two times I witnessed it I was convinced the world had suddenly started turning in slow motion, it was both bizarre and cute rolled into the same package…….as never in my life had I observed someone undertake such a routine task with the care and precision of a brain surgeon.

I didn’t want to appear over bearing and as result waited two days before calling, she wasn’t around but I left a polite and courteous phone message mentioning how much I looked forward to meeting her again.

I waited for my phone to ring but it never did, maybe she didn’t get my message, maybe I had dialed the wrong number, maybe I had been dumped. Two weeks later confused I called her again, not necessarily to speak with her but just to let her know I would playing a squash tournament at her local club and I didn’t want there to be awkwardness should we run into each other.

I didn’t think anything more of it and intended to spend the rest of the evening just relaxing in front of the TV, little did I know that in 30 minutes time I was about to get the most surreal phone call of my life.
I pickup the phone and say “Hello”…..the voice on the other end curtly confirms who I am, tells me they are from the Toronto Police and asks me will I answer a few questions as they have received a complaint.

Received a complaint, my mind races thinking as to what it could be……I don’t steal, am respectful of my neighbors and always attempt to be a positive as opposed to a detriment on society.

I will not use her last name but am asked “Do you have a relationship with Suzanne”………yes I reply and relay the story outlined above.

How many times have you called her the questioning continues, I rack my brains and reply 3 or 4 times…….a day asks the officer and I correct him no in total. That’s not what we are hearing from Suzanne, she says you have called 2 or 3 times a day for the last couple of weeks.

I am amazed by this accusation and a relaxing evening at home had now disintegrated into me portraying the lead role in the movie “The Accused”. I have heard stories of people being falsely accused in the past but never expected it to happen to me and was unsure as to my next move. Fortunately my next move had already been determined and I waited at home whilst the Police ran my phone records to confirm how many times I had called.

I waited nervously at home for the result, and was relived when the officer called me back to confirm that my version of the events had checked out. My relief is matched only by my brain cramp and I foolishly suggest that maybe I could have placed the calls from a phone other than my own.

Why would I say that, why would I attempt to dig myself back into the hole, it makes no sense whatsoever. “We have already checked that Sir, and Suzanne has only received 5 calls total in the last 2 weeks, we are sorry for your inconvenience and won’t trouble you again”.

As the phone goes dead, I ponder how closely I became to getting on the wrong side of the law, and arrive at a harsh realization. How closely are we actually protected by the law and how easy would it be to set in motion a series events that would simply destroy someone else?

Needless to say I never heard from Suzanne again and I certainly didn’t attempt to initiate further contact, so I have no idea what happened to her next…….but based on what happened to me I certainly hope she has received the help that she needed.

The quest continues……………………..